I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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