Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
