Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
