so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
