at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize