My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
