I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
