If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
