if only i could text you this smell
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
