i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
