I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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