VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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