She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
