saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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