My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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