this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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