Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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