4 words: hood of his car
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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