I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
