i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
