The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
