He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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