I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
