I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
