I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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