i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Randomize
