he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
