she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my being single is dangerous.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
