He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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