Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
