I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize