My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
