But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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