Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
