Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
