I CAN MOONWALK!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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