I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
