Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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