Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
