You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
