I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
