I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
