I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Can Purell be used as lube?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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