Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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