im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
