I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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