I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
drinking out of a sandbucket again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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