Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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