listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
smell my finger.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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