i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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