Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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