and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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