I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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