I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
