So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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