I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
