i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
