Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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