i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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