My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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